Y ou know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man was self-defense...
but I just spent 45 minutes in the Volvo with another reason.
- What's wrong with him? - This idiot is taking a mime class.
Carlton, get...
I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with this. Stop.
Stop playing. Carlton, stop or I'll hang you with that rope!
All right, that's it. That's it.
I was going to throw him out on the freeway...
but you know the old saying:
A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
Now we are entering the kitchen. This is where we eat.
Some of us more than others.
And this is your mommy...
and she look like she eating for a couple of brothers herself.
Will, what are you doing with that microphone?
Making a tape for the coming attraction.
Y ou know, I was going to knit some booties or something...
but you know, I had to get yarn...
and needles and... I'd have had to learn how to knit.
See, look, Uncle Phil, the concept is to...
aesthetically capture for posterity...
the sounds that are familiar to this house.
Will, I'm eating.
- Y ou'll hear a lot of that. - Y ou're grounded.
Okay, that about sums up Uncle Phil.
Y o, G, what sound do you think accurately...
depicts your position in the family?
Y ou're sick, man. See a therapist, okay?
Hey, Ashley, say something to the baby.
- Care to elaborate? - A lot.
Don't feel bad. She just mad 'cause she found out she ain't adopted.
So Mom's having a baby. Big deal.
I bet you didn't go through all this for me.
Y ou probably smoked cigarettes...
and rode horseback until the day I was born.
Ashley, honey, come on, we prepared for you and took the same precautions...
as we did for Hilary and Carlton.
Bungee jumping.
Philip, the baby's moving, feel my stomach.
Hey, I move all the time. Let's have a party.
All you guys do is talk about the baby.
The baby's clothes, the baby's room. The baby, baby, baby.
Y ou'll forget all about me after you have it, Mommy.
I can see it coming.
Good morning, Geoffrey. Morning, everybody.
Geoffrey, my place isn't set, and where's my food?
Let me feed my favorite little cousin.
- Oh, now, come on. - Oh, I thought it was my turn.
I thought I was your favorite cousin.
What do I have to do, spit up on your shirt?
Y'all hear something?
Y eah, how about me screaming at the top of my lungs?
I guess not. I be tripping, boy, tripping.
- Daddy. - There's my favorite little girl.
Daddy, don't you remember me? It's me, Ashley.
She's so precious.
Y ou know, she reminds me of someone.
That little girl who used to hang out around here.
- Pretty little thing. Black hair. - Amanda.
Ashley.
- Or was it Anna? - No. Ashley.
I'm pretty sure it was Appalonia.
No, it was Ashley.
- Well, hold up, was it Ashley? - Y es.
- No. - No.
Ashley, honey, your father and I have always been here...
and we will always make time for you.
Hilary, why not? I mean, it will help your ratings.
I don't want to hear about it anymore, okay?
Now, here come your two eldest siblings, Dopey and Greedy.
No, Carlton, I will not plug your stupid school play on my weather spot...
today, tomorrow, or ever.
Well, for your information, Brigadoon is a classic musical comedy.
No, man, for my money, classic musical comedy: Milli Vanilli.
Think about it, Hilary's special because she's the oldest.
Carlton's the only boy. I was the baby, but who am I now?
The whiner.
Look, lighten up, Ashley.
We all have our burdens to bear...
I mean, when the new Banks arrives, Dad's going to have to update his will...
which means there'll be another slice of the pie I won't be getting.
I mean, what about my needs? What about me?
- What about... - Shut up, Carlton.
Good call.
I can't wait till the new baby's born.
Then I can do all those special things that big sisters do.
Like when you took me up to the attic window...
and told me I could fly?
Or when you told me it was okay to roller skate down the steps.
Judging by your lovely brothers and sisters...
you're going to need an insurance policy before you're potty trained.
Look, I'll have you guys know that I had a hand in raising you.
I'll be a positive influence on the new baby. Y ou just wait and see.
Hilary, baby, you're 30 years old.
Don't you think it's about time you moved out on your own?
That is so unfair.
Mom's 50 years old and you haven't pushed her out the door.
Why do I even bother?
Cindy.
Aren't you forgetting something, baby sister?
- Y ou're prettier than I'll ever be. - Something else.
Good.
Now, I'm feeling a little warm.
So, tell me about your day at school...
and move a little to the left.
Well, Miss Randolph gave a pop quiz and l...
- Do you like my outfit? - It's real pretty.
Hilary, my arm is starting to hurt.
Y ou poor baby. Use the other arm.
Maybe you should start lifting weights.
Anyway, go on with your story.
Well, Myra Walker brought a hamster to class for show and tell...
- Should I color my hair? - No, it's beautiful.
It is, isn't it?
Guess what?
I have a little surprise for you.
Ta-da!
Oh, goody, a shoeshine kit.
I know I spoil you, but I just couldn't resist.
Do you like my shoes?
They're great.
Well, you know, they'd be even better...
if they were shiny.
Can I put the fan down first?
This time. It is your birthday.
But don't make a habit of it.
A spit polish.
I meant on the shoes.
Maybe I'd just be better off being invisible.
I'm sorry, what'd you say, Ash?
Hold it there, home fry. Say a little something to spud.
Hey, little bro, piece of advice:
Don't lend Will a penny even if he begs, and he will.
That's your brother Carlton.
Y ou'll recognize him, he'll be the one at eye-level.
Hello.
Hello, Dr. Graham. Y es, this is Philip Banks.
Fine, fine, thank you, and how are you?
Unusual?
I see.
Are you sure?
Okay, I'll tell her right away.
Thank you. Thank you, Doctor.
Vivian, you better sit down.
I am sitting down.
Philip, is there something wrong with the baby?
No, that was the doctor.
He just said that he thinks that we're having twins.
Twins!
- Oh, my God! - Two birds! Two birds!
- Come on, Daddy. - Come on.
- Philip, honey. - Come on.
I got it, y'all. Look out.
What happened?
Come on, get him up, get him up.
I remember something about twins...
and I have this incredible urge for a sausage.
Philip, the doctor called, but there must be some mistake.
I couldn't possibly be having twins.
We'll have to split the inheritance four ways...
thanks to Forget-the-pill Phil.
Is that all you think about?
Pretty much.
I don't know about y'all, I'm excited we having twins.
I mean, now you can finally have the son you always wanted.
Well, they already have me.
Now, you can finally have the son you always wanted.
Hello.
Y es, Doctor.
Y ou know, I figured there must be some mistake.
I knew I couldn't possibly be having twins.
Triplets?
That's right, Mrs. Banks.
Y ou'll be having three little ones...
so I suggest a lot more help.
Preferably a young nanny...
amply endowed, with no inhibitions.
Hello. Might I get you anything?
- An explanation. - Mid-life crisis.
Geoffrey, why did you do it?
I'm terribly sorry, madam.
It was just the thought of one more person...
to clean up after was more than I could bear.
Geoffrey, this baby is all of our responsibility...
and I promise you we will not leave you with all the work.
Geoffrey, I told you, I wanted tomatoes in my omelet.
Geoffrey, I need some sliced cucumbers for my eyelids.
G, the phone's ringing.
Geoffrey, you did my homework all wrong. Do it again.
Master William, would you go change the baby?
I'm trying to do 10 things at once!
Sorry, no can do, G. I'm about to go shoot some hoops.
Hey, do me a favor, spit shine my kicks for me, though.
Thanks, babe.
For heaven's sake, I'll get it.
Hello. Hi, Daddy.
Geoffrey is so lazy.
So, how's Jamaica?
What'd you buy me? Great. Great.
Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.
Well, what did your father say?
For God's sake, when are they coming back?
They'll be home in time for graduation.
- Thank heavens. - The baby's.
They figure you can handle things until then.
Look, G, check it out, I'm a peace-Ioving brother...
but if you don't hurry up with my kicks, I'm gonna split your wig, man.
- I want a new omelet. - Homework.
- Cucumbers. - Are you ignorant?
- I know you old. - I want the omelet.
When you old, you do stuff like this.
What's up with my kicks?
Calgon, take me away!
Geoffrey, you're exaggerating.
And you're lying through your bonded teeth.
Well, that's Geoffrey. He pretends he doesn't like the family...
but deep down inside he really hates us.
That's not true.
I can tolerate Miss Ashley.
Man, I can't wait to start my own family.
Y o, I want to have a whole bunch of kids, like six...
and I'm going to have them one right after another.
Will, we're talking about kids, not malt liquor.
Why don't you shut up before we send you back...
to that white family that dropped you off on the doorstep?
I don't know if I want to have kids.
Why not?
I told you, I don't know.
Hilary, honey, you're gonna change your mind.
Having kids makes life worthwhile.
Boy, I just can't wait. I mean, I'm gonna have the perfect life...
with a perfect wife and perfect kids.
It's perfect.
Honey, I'm home.
Hi, dear, did you have a tough day shooting the naked centerfolds?
Y eah, babe, it was hell.
Today we shot La Toya Jackson.
And I had to keep turning the lights off 'cause she was melting.
Y ou poor baby.
Why don't you glue yourself to the television set...
completely ignore me...
and play Nintendo until you're too tired to make love?
- Y ou mean you don't mind? - Have I ever? I'm perfect.
- Hello, Father. - Hey, Shaquille, Barkley, Jordan.
Okay, forget about that. Check it out.
Why don't we go outside and shoot some hoops?
What are hoops?
I think he's referring to that sport...
where a spherical object is thrown into a round receptacle...
at opposite ends of a court.
Y ou watch your mouth, boy.
All right, look, forget basketball. Come here, come here, come here.
What do y'all say we sneak and get some candy before dinner?
But that would spoil our appetite, and tonight we're having liver.
Y eah!
Shantay!
Don't do that.
I'm sorry, dear. Did you want something?
Y es, I'd like to know what pods these kids came from.
Actually, Father, we came from a zygote.
Y ou see, in human reproduction...
Knock it off. Ever since you won that Nobel Prize...
you think you're so doggone smart.
Honey, you seem tense.
I am tense. Everybody all perfect, baby, I don't know.
Why don't I send the children away...
and dress up in that French maid's uniform...
and give you a nice hot-oil massage?
Y ou, you, you!
Why must everything always be about you?
What about my needs?
I'm sorry, honey. What do you want?
I want a girl with extensions in her hair...
and bamboo earrings, at least two pair.
I want kids that pick their noses sometimes...
and roll me when I'm drunk.
I mean, I want a dirty house.
No, I want a dirty house.
I want to argue in public, you know.
I want you to have a headache sometime. I want a regular life.
I want a regular marriage.
Sweetheart, you seem upset.
Let's all give Daddy a great big hug.
- No! No! - Y eah!
No!
See, Will, I told you this baby thing was a lousy idea.
Kids aren't all they're cracked up to be.
And I know, I used to be one.
Now, stop it all of you.
Now, I cannot wait for this baby to get here.
And that's not just because...
I'm retaining more water than the Hoover Dam.
Ashley, honey...
we're not going to forget you when the baby comes.
Y ou'll see, this will bring us all closer together.
That's true, Ash. I mean, look at us now.
Last time we sat around like this is when they reran Roots.
Maybe you guys are right.
We shouldn't be so selfish and think about ourselves all the time...
Geoffrey.
Well, I guess I don't mind sharing my inheritance with the baby.
- We're not dead yet, Carlton. - Hey, it's a cruel world, big guy...
and you're not going to be in it forever.
Come on. Now, now, come on, let's not spoil the mood.
Come on, let's go to dinner, huh?
- Okay. Y eah. - Okay. All right.
Y ou, too, Geoffrey.
Zip-a-dee, and might I add doo-dah!
Maybe this will be a good idea.
- I'm going to go grab my sweater. - Okay.
I don't feel good.
Forget it, Hilary. Y ou're coming.
Okay, but I'm not sitting between you and the dessert cart.
Last time I almost lost an eye.
Okay, so where are we going?
I say Snuffy's Catfish and Biscuits.
Why don't we just go eat out of a dumpster?
- Come on, let's decide in the car. - All right.
How about Haitian?
- Let's get some Haitian food. - French.
I'm ready.
And, you know, I'm feeling really silly about that invisible stuff.
Where'd everybody go?
Hey, no! Hey, wait for me! Oh, no!
And all those big nasty women you be bringing up in here, too.
Y ou think Uncle Phil don't know. He knows.
He knows what you do, Geoffrey, okay?
Now, I'm asking you to just do my sneaks.
I want to go. I want to run some balls...
going to be some girls there, I gotta look cute.
If I have dirty sneaks, other guys going to get the girls.
All I'm asking is to have some clean sneaks...
when I go dunk on some people, all right?
So, Geoffrey, straighten your act up. Okay, look, get some...
Ca/gon, take me away!